Open letter: a farewell to welcome the unknown.
NOTE: This is an exercise of therapeutic writing, part of my process of moving on from a breakup that has given me so much, and leaning into the gratitude of having connected with an amazing man, who I want to befriend as soon as our hearts are ready to see each other in a new way.
The process involves: a) writing a draft with whatever we need or want to express. There are no right nor wrong words here... just write, write, write; b) re-visiting the sketches with an intentional focus on gratitude, and re-writing the story through these lenses; c) read through and re-write as many times as it feels necessary! My guiding questions were: What did he mirror about my personal journey (e.g. patterns we struggled overcoming, escalations of resistance we couldn't soften timely)? What did we teach each other about love? What do I want to remember in future relationships regarding the experience of love and partnership I want to embrace?; d) sending it around to meaningful others, such as friends, the coaching group I've enrolled; e) reading and re-writing sentences again, now detaching from the content and focusing on the aesthetic nuances of the text.
I might or not share the letter with him. Yet, some friends and also few members of a coaching group found it useful, encouraging me to keep it online, so it can inspire others... Plus... Being vulnerable is m'a path! Btw, the learnings of this awesome coach https://www.bryanreeves.com/ have inspired some of my words. Feel free to check out the work he does (also his girlfriend's work...!).
I feel exhausted after sitting on the Mary go round of my thoughts for hundred times in a row. Yet, since I've been gifted with a VIP card that includes fast track access, sometimes I run towards this place of fake safety by habit; when scared it's hard to notice that I'm looking at the landscape of life, sitting at the edge of drafts, stories that aren't what I want. I now know it, that the fused politeness and rawness of some manners of yours had been alarms trying -as humanly as you could- to say: "Hey, stop walking towards that dead end road, can we take a pause?". I now know it, we both got dizzy and ended up missing the cotton candy or yet a another chance to play at the mirror castle, within shadows and lights. I know it, you had also spent plenty of time on the roller coaster of a quest, that of owning the values that your soul wants you to claim.
I'm grieving the grief, I drink a tea of saudade while moving on. Serenity sneaks into my blankets the first seconds after I wake up, before the monkey mind takes me to the jungle of questions and possibilities I can't resolve. Then, I transform the memories of our triggers and our fights into a gentle voice, where I imagine what you could have said. I 've been diving deep in order to catch the gold lying beneath a distance I dislike. Once re-writing the end of the story, the teachings of these months come by. I feel these words as if they were written by the man who showed up with the genuine intention of learning how to love, of calling love by my name:
Amuse me with the lightness of your smile, and a dance on our way to the kitchen, to the restroom or to bed. Move smoothly into my empty hours and captivate me with the rhythm of your hips. Spontaneously or on purpose, do invite me to get lost into the wilderness of a silence, be it a mystery of the beauty, or the foreword of a playful pause. Challenge me with smart answers to my funny questions, or funny questions to my serious thoughts. Show me that happiness is not the main priority, but growth. Share as many nuances of kindness as your sweet heart owns, but please stop protecting me... make me accountable of my flaws. I know you see my darkness, and I know that it hurts (I see your dark side, and so too, it hurts). Please don't force me to heal what I feel unwilling tonight, release me from the pressure to get it right every single time. Your light has been dazzling, and I'm both thirsty and afraid. Let your tears touch me, I yearn a homeward call. Allow me cherish you when I'm standing at the front door. I understand it's easier to give than to receive for both of us. Yet, let me taste the joy
and the freedom of choosing you and of feeling that I've earned your trust.
Sometimes I either step back or stop walking. Forgive my clumsy attempts to move onward, I'm walking while removing a blindfold. I can't always tell when I crave for space, I just feel called for distance, and that might look strange. We both wear masks and fabrics that we didn't know we have bought. Be my invitation to walk barefoot and unveil what separates us from genuine love. I meant it, to make you feel safe in the dance floor of life, holding our backs as we tune into the beat of a movement, I also meant it, for us to mirror the nuances of heaven in each other's eyes.
(Note: he didn't write this, It's what I feel he aimed to show to me about love in the months we were together)
I hold these words as an open invitation from my heart, to embrace the journey of love I so much desire. Thank you for reminding me of my gifts, and challenging me to make my capacities more available to myself, instead of hiding them inside of a box under my bed. It was not about fixing one another, if there is a sentence I want us to remind, let it be this one. I meant it to walk side by side, yet my inner child had wounds that made it challenging for me to feel safe. I'm often diving into the realization that it's neither just the person, just the distance, nor just the timing, but the playfulness of the dynamic to navigate daily life. Perhaps it wasn't about changing person, city or format of a call, as much as about an attitude of curiosity to explore the magic beneath resistance. If monkeys turn their arms, playing with angles so they can take bananas out of a cage... why did we squeeze the bananas, we both starving for the love we deserve? We're humans and we felt stuck, back to old places we would have preferred to avoid. I surrender to the unknown.
What you wanted from and for me is the woman I'm becoming. What I wanted from and for you is the man you're becoming, and that is such a beautiful ocean to sail around. Stay reassured, now we are sailing in different boats, I still want both of us to live a life that honors the values we so much mean to embrace. Togetherness has shifted its meaning, and maybe we will soon be calling"amor" by another name. Yet, that which we have shared will blossom as insights in colorful shapes. May we be able to meet each other, as if we were strangers who intuitively connect. May we both enter the gate of collateral beauty so as to to keep teaching each other and others to own their journeys, even when their destination drastically changes (as it did for us). Swinging on uncertainty, I let patience lead me there, to the moment when we're both able to make it, to be friends.